My parents are unaware, but I am moving to a round house. Why? Simply put, a circular building is one step closer to being Lizzy-Proofed. It may take years and millions of dollars to have everything custom made to be without any harmful materials or attributes such as but not limited to, hard surfaces, porous surfaces, wood, metal, sharp edges, hard edges, squares, rectangles, triangles, sticks, flammable cloth, glass, breakable parts, anything harmful if ingested, and most of all: no corners. To save a few dollars here and there, I could go to a maximum security penitentiary or mental hospital, but it would not guarantee me a life without corners.

I do not mix well with sharp, hard, flammable, breakable, or posionous materials. I will invariably harm myself with the item. I will trip, fall, stumble, hit, break, stab, impale, choke, inhale, or ingest the said item. Today I was cleaning the bedroom, after stepping on a nail, and I leaned over to get a piece of trash from the ground, as I was returning to the standing position, I brought my head and the sharp wood corner of my “entertainment center” together in agonizing matrimony. The result was a bag of frozen green beans upon my head for thirty minutes, one gigantic headache, a two-inch long gash (it didn’t cut deep, thankfully) and a huge raised scab on my pained, itchy scalp.

I have come to the realization today that the only possible solution to my problem is living in a round house, no corners, no pain.