the name means absolutely nothing
I try to listen to music, to breathe deeply and calmly, to pretend it isn’t really there, to watch Family Guy episodes on my mp3 player, but all of these attempts to distract me are just that; attempts. It never goes away, not on it’s own, it requires milligrams upon milligrams of strong narcotics to erradicate the worst of it, but it doesn’t go away.
I would kill to just have arthritis. I would kill to just have rickets. I would kill to have a bad back or a sprained ankle or a broken arm. I wish I just had colds and the flu. I don’t and I won’t, I think I might always have this condition. Does that frighten me? Absolutely. How am I going to take care of children with this debilitating disease? Will I be able to? I don’t even want to know these answers; they’re too scary.
I am jealous of those with cancer. YES I SAID IT. I know I could be flooded with angry comments from survivors and friends of survivors of breast and testicular and brain and lung cancers, but it is the truth. I envy the diagnosis. I want something palpable, something real, something visible. I want to lose my hair, to be gaunt and tremble, just so SOMEBODY KNOWS I AM HURTING. So somebody knows I am real, and my pain is real, and my struggle is very, very real.
I'm Lizzy. Or Liz. I'm a seventeen year old from Nashville. I write words here. I like it when people comment on the words I write. Want to know more about me? Carry on my wayward son. (see what I did there? HA.)
Patsy
February 16th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
I see that no one has left a comment, so I guess who ever has read this doesn’t have RSD. I know where you are exactly. I have had a total of 5 surgeries on my left foot over the past 5 years. It started with a severe toe infection and had to have the whole top of my foot cut open and debrieved down to the bone to get the infection out and then it was left to close on its own. What a nightmare. The doctors told me back then if I had waited another eight hours my daughter would have been planning my funeral and she was getting married in two weeks. Great timing. So a general surgeon did the job and that was the end of the beginning.
Over the past years I was told I had an RSD condition but this past surgery it has gone full blown. I have had people say you either do or don’t but I do believe there is that medium that you have a condition that can go into RSD very easily only because of the pain I was in. Now I’m in pain and probably looking at another surgery because I can’t put any pressure on my foot because I either have so much scar tissue of another neuroma in there. With my luck probably both.
There is one thing I can do and do it with passion is my arts and crafts. I live in a very small town and I think they think I am overly excited about doing crafts but it my therapy that keeps me from pulling every hair out of my head. I am taking Lortab 10mg/500 and am trying as hard as I can to keep it there because I don’t want to ket onto all the stronger drugs because you eventually will have to come off and after prior surgeries I sustained from a serious car accident I don’t want to go that route ever again. I sway alot but to be honest the drugs just numb the mind and keep me in a calmer state to deal with the pain.
Well now that I have written a small book I just thought you would like to know that you have someone in Cambridge, MD that knows where life stands for you.
God Bless
Patsy