DANCING FOE

Just a Drill

I was in a fight today…a fight for my life. Sure, that sounds like melodramatic bullshit, but I am dead serious.

This afternoon I decided to go for a leisurely swim, which was my first mistake. I changed into my suit, applied some SPF 70 sunscreen (can’t be too careful when you burn like a lobster and probably have lupus), and headed out back to our above-the-ground pool. I spent the first ten minutes letting the wind propel me around the pool while I laid happily on a float. Suddenly the enemy appeared. It was an air strike. I held my ground and eyed the enemy stonily. As it approached, I yelled, “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU BEE.”

That’s right. I was screaming at an insect. You have to understand, this bee was not a nice, everyday, “hey guys I make honey for you” kind of bee. This bee was a beast with an agenda. He flew around my head quickly, breaching my bubble of personal space.

“DON’T FUCK WITH ME MAN!” I just called a bee “man”. This apparently pissed the flying bastard off more and he swooped down from above, ready to attack. I had an advantage, I could swim, so I sunk to the bottom of the pool. I smiled to myself, imagining that evil bee thinking, “What the hell…where’d she go?” I resurfaced to find myself alone, proud to have won this round.

A few minutes later, he reappeared, this time with backup. “You fuckers!” I yelled and watched them carefully as they flew around, occasionally swooping in and making me quickly move to the side. Finally, I decided, it was time to choose life or life with a couple of bee stings. I wasn’t about to give them the satisfaction of stinging me, therfore, I chose life.

As they flew back down I splashed in both directions. They flew far enough up to avoid the water, but not before I was able to pelt one of the bastards. I imagined him yelling, “GARY! I’M HIT!”, which sounds like “ZZZz ZZ” in the language of bees.

Gary flew back to help his hurt friend. “No, Gary! Go on without me! You’ll never survive.”
“Fuck that. I’m getting you to safety, Charlie.” He put his little bee arm around his pal and they limped off, towards the hive.

I knew my time was limited. Gary would undoubtedly be back, and this time with a vengeance. I climbed out of the pool and realized I was risking it all. I was now in his territory and no longer had the home court advantage. I looked around for a weapon…anything at all I could use to defend myself. I saw a can of spray-sunscreen on the deck. I grabbed it and my towel then descended the steps to the yard. I sprinted towards the house, with my finger resting on the trigger, ready to come to my defense. Finally, I was in the safety house. Whew. Then I realized, we have a window open that won’t close. I might have to sleep with one eye open for the rest of my days, and I’ll never trust an insect again.

Come to think of it, the flies we have in our house have been acting a little schizophrenic. I wonder if they took some acid tabs…or maybe they’re under orders to be a “fly on the wall” for Gary.

GET IT?!?!