*Snowflake Logic*:1
The world is ending. Gas prices are sky high. There’s some strange French dudes from France that want to suck us all into a black hole!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!!!!!eleventy-one!1!! WE MUST GO GET GAS BECAUSE WE MIGHT NEED IT TO DRIVE OUT OF THAT BLACK HOLE, OR ESCAPE A MONSTER INLAND HURRICANE NAMED IKE OR MAYBE MIKE. WHILE WE GET GAS WE SHOULD ALSO BUY ALL OF THE MIKE & IKE’S IN THE STORE BECAUSE THOSE ARE TASTY AND WE WILL NEED SUSTENANCE WHEN WE GET SUCKED INTO THAT BLACK HURRICANE.

My fellow internet users, might I inquire as to the reason everyone in this town is running around like beheaded chickens? I’m aware of the true location of their heads, just up their asses. People see a hurricane MIGHT hit Galveston and end up pumping all the gas they can into their SUVs2 There are cars lined up for blocks in either direction to hopefully get a drip of that fuel, with their ENGINES STILL RUNNING. I heard about a car being toppled to its side when its owner “cut in line” at a gas station.

To make matters worse, the media isn’t helping this “crisis” at all, in fact they played a part in starting it all–though I do hold the fine citizens of our city accountable for believing the hype)–for example, The Tennessean, in their reputation of outstanding journalism, are reporting with a LIVE camera mounted outside of an Exxon station.

These past few weeks have been a perfect illustration of our dependence upon oil. Go buy a bicycle, a Vespa, a Segway, or hell, even a donkey, just stop sucking the gas from the pumps and spitting the dollars into the corporation’s hands.3 I plan on getting a bike for nearby trips, and hopefully I’ll be getting a compact car for Christmas. I’d like to do more, like ride a bike everywhere, but unfortunately I have physical limitations (can’t be exposed to sunlight much, and can’t exert certain body parts unless I want to end up in the hospital with a morphine drip), or get a hybrid (I’d really love an electric car, I watched Who Killed the Electric Car? and fell in love) but hybrid’s are in short supply and are expensive. So for now, I’ll stick with cutting out unnecessary trips, supporting “green” candidates, and keeping the AC a few degrees higher than the norm.

Oh, and if the LHC swallows the earth, which I highly doubt it will, what’s the problem? Being sucked into a black hole sounds like the best way to die! You get to die along with everyone else, so you’re not missing out on anything, you’re not mourning the loss of anyone else, and nobody is mourning the loss of you. You’re all dead. Together. That’s pretty cool.

For now, I’m off to get some Mike & Ike’s.

1 Also known as Nashvillian Logic.
2 I drive an SUV too, but at least it’s small and we’re selling it.
3 I sound like a hippie. At least I’m not wearing flowers in my hair…though I haven’t showered in a few days and do own some very long and flowing skirts.